I also write for Hatfield Christian Church's Newsgirl blog, you can read Overcoming Insecurities there.
You know when you are in that space where you are good. Like really good. There has been no issues, meltdowns or tears for a while.
It doesn't mean life is all roses and sunshine 24/7, but life is good.
I used to feel impending doom. Brene Brown refers to it as foreboding joy. This is when things are almost too perfect, and we want to lower our expectations to protect ourselves from being disappointed or hurt. So instead of enjoying the peaceful, good moment, we imagine what could go wrong.
Recently life has been good. It's had its usual ups and downs, but something else has happened.
Insecurities have been popping up.
I feel like there are these reoccurring issues in my life, you know the ones you think you have dealt with? And therefore have pushed it to the back of your mind. Unfortunately, most of the issues have only been dealt with on a surface level. The actual root cause of the wound still needs some healing.
Although there might be no visible scar or bruise to point to, it’s as if the past week’s situations have been poking around these sensitive areas in my life; continuously asking ‘Is this sore? How about now? And now?’ Until finally...
That kind of hurt. It was just a matter of time before it struck a nerve. Or in this case, re-opened that old wound.
In one of these situations, I was confronted with a part of my personality and identity I perceive as a strength being pointed out to me as a flaw.
I am an outgoing, talkative person. Which means I can be overwhelming and overbearing at times. So, over the years I have had to learn to step back in a conversation. Instead of talking I had to learn to listen and listen well. I also learned to rather ask questions and use my talkativeness to encourage others to speak up.
I have been working hard on ensuring that this part of me was constructive to others. So I was quite taken aback when I was called a blabbermouth by a colleague at work, and a few more colleagues chimed in to agree.
Blabbermouth? Really? That doesn’t sound very positive. I knew I had been chatting a bit to the colleague next to me, but to me, it had seemed like constructive work conversation, not personal chit-chat.
My first reaction was to withdraw, and a part of me didn’t want to speak another word around my colleagues. I am pretty sure I was bright red from embarrassment. Was what I was saying even worth listening too? So many old insecurities came flooding back - it was overwhelming.
On my way to the train, I reflected on the day’s occurrence. I realised I had a decision to make. I could let this word settle under my skin and leave it there to fester, or I could let it go.
There had been way too many situations where the actions of others have made me feel like I had to change who I was to fit in and be accepted. I did not want to go back to that place. Which helped me make my decision to let it go.
I can’t explain how some people envy my ability to speak so easily and naturally to people. Whereas others find me annoying and too loud. All I know is that this is a part of me, a part which I will not deny depending on other’s opinion of me. I was uniquely created for a purpose by the King of the universe.
After the reflection time I had on the train and an encouraging conversation with my hubby I realised I could either allow the enemy to try to break down what God has meant for good. Or I could get up, dust myself off and remain focused on my destiny and the role speaking will play a part in it. I need to stay focused on continuously developing and growing so that I can help build His kingdom.
Being faced with insecurities shouldn't be daunting. It means we scare the enemy enough with our strengths that he feels the need to attack us.
So, keep your head up, you have a great and powerful destiny ahead of you and declare your identity in Christ! You are the daughter of the King most high!
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