Happy new year.
And I hope you had a romantic valentines day…?
It’s definitely been a while. And I apologise for my absence. But, the most important thing is I am back!
Writing this blog, like most things in my life, has been a bit of a tug of war with God.
Back in 2016 God started restoring writing in my life. A dream I had let die because of lies I had been told by others. Lies that I had accepted and therefore became my truth (read more about it here). It was a restoration journey, that I fought against at first.
I struggled to believe that God would use something I deemed a weakness in my life to help inspire and impact others. Looking back now I feel silly because in His word He even says:
“My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.”So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. So I’m not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! (2 Cor 7:9 TPT)
So after speaking to me multiple time, using multiple avenues I finally had a sit down with God (in my car, in traffic). By this time, I was exhausted. I had actively been fighting against God’s plan for my life. I was denying Him the opportunity to not only redeem the act of writing in my life. But I was denying Him the access to a whole section of my life, my identity and my future. Limiting the way He could use me to build His kingdom. So in my car on that morning stuck in traffic (a whole 2 hours of it), I had nowhere left to run and I crumbled at His feet (in a good way).
I am stubborn by nature (definitely a trait I got from both my parents) and even in that moment of surrender - “Ok, God. I give up, use me, use my writing, but…”
Even in that moment there was still fear and there was still doubt. I even set up some terms and conditions with God. Terms and conditions He honoured, because His grace is more than we could ever ask for and then there is still some left over.
So, that’s how I started writing here.
It took some time getting things up and running. I have also even re-vamped my website in these 2 years. But most days, it’s still a struggle. My writing has been inconsistent at best and that is not because a lack of content or ideas.
The reason for my absence was fear and insecurity. I have so many blog posts started, but unfinished; written but unpublished.
The fear of being vulnerable is real. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling of posting something so raw and vulnerable and then sitting back and knowing that there is no taking it back or removing it. It is out there for everyone to read, forever. But, that isn’t the only fear that comes with vulnerability. Most of last year I found myself in a place of trying to put into words the struggle I was currently facing. Being vulnerable in the midst of pain and growth. And trying to find the words that authentically explain the experience was hard. So after a few failed attempts I just stopped trying.
The last thing that is still a battle is the insecurity, which keeps creeping in. Don’t for one moment think that just because God has called you to do something or redeemed something in your life that all of the hurt, fear and insecurity that came with it before just disappears.
Luckily God is in the restoration business
And then, after your brief suffering,the God of all loving grace, who has called you to share in his eternal glory in Christ,will personally and powerfully restore you and make you stronger than ever. Yes, he will set you firmly in place and build you up. (TPT)
But it takes time and it’s a journey we need to walk out with Him by our side. That is the only way we will achieve victory.
Blogging is a lonely business, filled with lots of behind the scenes work, hours of reflection and very little validation received in return. And so, slowly the excitement wears off and the insecurity sneaks back in…
What if nobody reads it
Is this even helping anyone
This isn’t reaching anyone
If nobody sees this why am I doing this
And down, and down the spiral of thoughts go.
And because I don’t consider writing a strength or a hobby it comes last on my list of priorities. And as life gets busier (as it does) the lower and lower sitting down to write a blog post drops on my ever growing to-do list, until one day I just stopped.
Recently, God, friends, my husband and then last week even my small church group got on the band wagon of prompting me to start writing again.
So, dear reader, I am sorry for my absence. I apologise for my disobedience, but I am back and here to stay.
Get notified of new creations to download and all new blog posts.
I promise not to spam you.